Tit Monday

[Forelegua]

Ah, Tit Monday. It's not that far off now, that glorious day when, heading into work on the bus, or walking to the Tube, or sitting on the train, or in your car you find yourself suddenly chirpier than you have been in months. You find yourself smiling at strangers again. There is a mild involuntary tumescence in your trousers that comes and goes throughout the morning with the comforting regularity of a heartbeat.

And then you get a text around lunchtime from a mate which says: "At last, Tit Monday!" And you instantly understand why you are so happy. For Tit Monday is that special day in the year when, for the first time, the temperature rises above that magical point which causes girls getting dressed in the morning to decide to show a bit of skin.

After months of dull colours and chunky knit, the world's birds suddenly dive into last summer's wardrobe (they've not had chance to buy this season's stuff) and chuck it on without a thought. Your urban landscape is suddenly lightened with acres of naked arm and leg and, after many dark months of burrowing, breasts rising to the surface like moles at dusk.

Big breasts in white work shirts straining at the buttons. Small breasts braless in vest tops, the nipples frotted by ribby fabrics. Breasts in summer dresses bouncing in the distance so that they catch your eye before you even notice there is someone wearing them. Breasts nudging out from the crowd at traffic islands, quivering to cross the road...

And you know it is nearly summer. For previous generations, the arrival of spring was heralded by the sound of the first cuckoo. For us, it is Tit Monday.

Not that it always falls on a Monday. Like Easter, Tit Monday is a moveable feast. Last year it fell on a Friday. Friday 29 April, to be precise, when temperatures maxed out at 22.1C after nothing much above 16C all year. It last fell on a Monday in 2004, when temperatures leapt to 22C on 24 April.

And then, of course, there is Tit Monday Night. You see, in early summer, temperatures drop off very dramatically when night falls (Tit Friday 2005 dropped away to a parky 11.8C). But the dollies are not prepared. Slightly stunned by the morning heat, they drag out the summer clothes but forget to bring a cardie (a mistake they will not make again until next year), so that when they're all standing outside Jinties after work celebrating the arrival of spring, their barely covered nipples have no protection from the cold. It's like a Bring-and-Buy sale where everyone has brought hat pegs. It's like a James Blunt gig where, instead of lighters, everyone is holding up nipples.

So when will Tit Monday fall this year? Do not shoot your bolt too early. There will be false starts. You will smell fresh cut grass and see a couple of early starters and feel compelled to declare Tit Monday. But your more level-headed blokes will tell you to hold your horses, keep your powder dry, don't fire until you see the whites of their bra straps

[Forelegua]

Is that something like Cameltoe Tuesday? I think I got a preview this morning.

[tainancowboy]

WTF is this crap all about?

Can we get a fookin translator in here?

[B Asmuth]

Fat, stupid and underemployed is no way to go through life TC.

[tainancowboy]

Fat, stupid and underemployed is no way to go through life TC.

It's worked for me so far...got me to semi-retirement on this lovely tropical island.

[aboriginal girl]

Fat, stupid and underemployed is no way to go through life TC.

It's worked for me so far...got me to semi-retirement on this lovely tropical island.

Same for my husband.

[B Asmuth]

Fat, stupid and underemployed is no way to go through life TC.

It's worked for me so far...got me to semi-retirement on this lovely tropical island.

Add self-satisfied to that. And you retired here?

[B Asmuth]

Fat, stupid and underemployed is no way to go through life TC.

It's worked for me so far...got me to semi-retirement on this lovely tropical island.

Same for my husband.

I'm so sorry.

[tainancowboy]

Fat, stupid and underemployed is no way to go through life TC.

It's worked for me so far...got me to semi-retirement on this lovely tropical island.

Add self-satisfied to that. And you retired here?

I came here for the waters...it seems I was, sadly, misled.